I say this every year and still never write the blog🤦🏾♀️
The kids’ birthdays are just a yearly reminder of giving birth 😩
Although Ayden’s Labor & Delivery was fast as heck and pretty damn easy, the PAIN.....whew, the PAIN!!
But Leah’s? Lindas.....listen. I wish this kind of labor on every woman!
So picture it....Miami Carnival morning, 38 weeks pregnant. Just BIG and miserable looking. An older Indian man came up to me and said “go home, yuh having dat child tonight!” With pregnancies, you’ll quickly learn that older people are always RIGHT! Not even 20 minutes later, I’m feeling pressure on my butt. Too difficult to sit. Reminds me of the night before I went into labor with Ayden. So I go home. Everybody at the house wants to eat. I’m still not thinking this is the day. My southern regions just HURT and I wanna eat. No mucus plug, no contractions...so I’m not thinking about anything but that conch salad at Conch Heaven!
So now my butt is on fire because the pepper was just too much (but sooooooo worth it). So back at my Mother’s I got Ayden (the boy just turned two the day before) rubbing my feet but I still can’t sit comfortably. So I go in my Mother’s room to see what her bed can offer me and I trip over her cat 🤦🏾♀️ Straight landed into the split position.
Back on the couch and I’m feeling “wet”. I go to the bathroom, freshen up but I notice 10 minutes later, I’m still “wet”. 🗣Kishaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!! “How does it feel when your water breaks, because something’s not right but there’s no gush?!” I thought it happened like the movies and they had to break mine with Ayden.
Even though we’re close in age, Kisha is our 2nd Mother. So she’s like, “oh nah we’re going to the hospital! Call Nigel now!” Nigel’s at Carnival watching b00ngie playing Top Flight Security...we will NOT reach Nigel. Somehow, after blowing Nigel up and a few others, a team of folks get to Nigel and now we’re in the middle of Carnival traffic picking up Top Flight Security!
No contractions, no pain....just a hella wet snatch 🤦🏾♀️ So we get to the hospital and because I have the BESTTTTTT OB/GYN South FL has seen (Black and female, shout out to Dr. Facey) the staff is like hella nice and cool to me (again). So they take a test and yup, my water broke! My first thought, “how dare this baby comes a day after Ayden, how selfish!” Second thought, “damn, another delivery and my hair isn’t done!”
I’m not having contractions but the baby has to come within 24 hours or they’d have to induce me.
Induce WHO? So I remembered reading nipple stimulation brings on contractions. So here I am in Triage playing with my nipples with a hella wet vagina. O M G. Party on aisle TWO!! So Kish & Nige are judging me but the Nurses are like, “way to go Momma!”
So now I’m in a room. It’s about 9p now. Nigel is still tipsy from Carnival with a bunch of paint on his face. Our room is the lit room! I felt like staff was coming in just to laugh. After nipple stimulation, I’m about 4cm so they ask me about an epidural.
YES!!! 🗣HELL YES‼️‼️ I’m not a fan of drugs but I remembered the pain Ayden put my butthole through and since Leah was sleeping during delivery (the NERVE, right?? Like ma’am WHAT ARE YOU DOING) I didn’t know how long this labor was going to be or how intense it was going to get, so I was like “SHOOT ME UP!”
So, the Nurse is down there inserting the catheter. Lindas LISTEN. Remember I told y’all about the slow leak from my water breaking? So, this is still going on. So there’s literally a nice pahteeee going on down there, not to mention the nipple stimulation (I’m still doing this because although I’m in labor, Leah is knocked OUT in the womb for her big day! So my contractions aren’t coming like they should). So, catheter is going in and Nurse Becca has her hand sitting on top of the “man in the boat”. I came. Yup. Judge your Mother and Granny too! It was beautiful. The Nurse kept it professional and said, “I wish ALL of our patients were this calm and funny!” I’m not being funny ma’am, put your hand back there NOW! Whew!! She suggested Nigel and I use the private bathroom (yeah, have sex....during labor lol) before the Anesthesiologist comes for the epidural. Nigel was like, “I’m good” 😂
Epidural is done. I wasn’t feeling ANY pain before (I had to look at the monitor to know when there was a contraction) so now I’m really not feeling ANY thing! Now I’m nervous because how will I push??? Time passed, it’s like 11p now and I’m only 6cm dilated. They warn me again, if there’s no baby by 5am, we have to induce you because it’ll then be 24 hours since your water broke. Look....I’m already doping the baby up on the epidural, we are NOT doing pitocin! So it’s me and these nipples.....AGAIN!!! I’m in overdrive. BAM‼️ Another orgasm 💦 Holy shit! This is just beautiful! No one warned me about orgasms during labor....B E A U T I F U L🥰 Two minutes later, I’m KNOCKED OUT!
I wake up around 4:30 am. Whole room knocked out like they’re the ones giving birth. I page the Nurse because I’m nauseous as hell! Can’t count on the fam because they’re knocked out but I’m about to throw up on everything if someone doesn’t get here fast! She comes in, checks the monitor (apparently my contractions were coming like crazy, but again, I felt NOTHING) then checks my cervix. “Well, you’re nauseous because it’s time to deliver! You’re 10cm, baby is finally responsive (awake) and we need to call the Doctor immediately!” They’re showing the family the baby’s head, Doctor home knocked out and I’m just dying to THROW UP 🤢😩
Dr. Facey comes in. You can tell she wasn’t expecting a 5a call because her wig just wasn’t right lol. Fast forward, it’s 5:25 and time to push! I can’t feel a thinggggggg. So I don’t know if I’m pushing for real or not but I remember with Ayden, pushing is just a bowel movement. Push like ya pooping! So I did just that! 5:26a, Leah pops out! They put her on my chest and the child looks up at me like, “well who are you?!!” and goes riiiiiiiiight back to sleep!
There was a reason for sharing this story....I mean, nipple stimulation and orgasms are important but there was a reason and now I forgot 😬